I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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