Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
People with herpes should wear stickers.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
