omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
