theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
