the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
