i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize