hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
