First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize