I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
