here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
