I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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