hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
