I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
