my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
