he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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