Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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