I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
