Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
