you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
