I seem to have left my pride at pride
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
