A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
as a side note pls kill me
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize