Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
