it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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