you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
