i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
