well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
