Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Panties = found
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
