i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
