I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
