I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
