how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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