I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Randomize
