what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
