this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
