Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
