Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
