remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
