i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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