Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
