on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
