between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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