he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
