I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
