I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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