I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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