i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
