So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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