Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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