About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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