did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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