my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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