I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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