Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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