I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize