And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
